Aaaah, it is deadly boring up here @ work! I'm so sick of the internets, I've walked around the office, I've jogged in place, I've sat in my chair doing pretend backstrokes, and I've actually tried to do a little work. I dream of sitting on my porch. I'm gonna go make some coffee. ------------------

Here's a true story that is uncomfortable to tell: On Tuesday, I went over to KMHD's house to bake apple pies with her & mom. When I arrived, one of the first things mom said to me was that she would like to get me enrolled with Jenny Craig or a similar program for my birthday. Yikes! I played it off, joked that I didn't know if I could eat their cooking, and held back the tears for the duration of the visit. Hours later, I go home with two unbaked pies and a hurt heart. I shoved those pies in the fridge, not really wanting to have anything to do with them, they represented so much negativity at the moment.

Anyway, I was devastated, humiliated, embarrassed, and angry. I've been trying to deal with my feelings all week. I'm feeling much better now, but I thought I was going to be depressed! I know my mom wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, she's a very frank person, but I was not prepared for that. Too, I now know that when she sees me, all she sees is an overweight person. It makes me feel like the shame of our family!

O.K., yes, I am overweight & I've struggled with that for a long time, but I've also made gains in self-image and self-confidence. My weight doesn't define me. I'm healthy, but not fit. It's not easy to break old habits, but in my household, we've been trying to take simple steps to gain new, improved habits. It's not easy! Especially for someone who has never had an active lifestyle. My idea of fun is not riding a bike on the river trail, it's to read a book or try something new in the kitchen. But, I've started walking to/fro work, bringing my lunch in my beloved Ms. Bento. [I haven't because of 100+ degree heat or rain, but both seem to be subsiding.] I take the stairs at work, and, this is the hardest part, I eat less. This week alone, I've said no to lunch outings with co-workers, going out to dinner w/ ATM tonite, and I've not snacked needlessly at work. Or at home. I'm not starving myself, trying to keep meals balanced, healthy, hearty, and delicious. While I probably needed a little push, I didn't need to be insulted. No one wants Nutrisystem for their birthday! Mom, we are tight, but we're not that tight. You may take your offer and, well, I don't want to be an asshole, so I'll just say that you can keep it. I don't define myself by my weight and I'm certain my (other) loved ones and friends don't. And since I surround myself with (mostly) like-minded folks, I don't feel that I have to make up for it and that I'm judged on character, amongst other things.

So there!

And for those interested in the well-being of those beautiful hand-crafted pies, I threw them out. It wasn't a gesture, believe me, they were making an awful mess in the fridge, getting sticky sweet goo all over everything. Too bad, I totally wanted to try a piece!